Anyone can find it challenging to manage prolonged anxiety.<\/p>\n
It can impair almost every aspect of life, whether it’s through worrying, stressing thoughts, or a persistent fear of social interactions. But not just those who experience anxiety struggle with these issues. Their interpersonal connections may also suffer a great deal as a result. The other partner may be impacted if one partner suffers from an anxiety problem. For the person experiencing them, anxiety symptoms might be the most upsetting. Still, witnessing a loved one struggle with anxiety can be painful in a different way, especially if you feel unable to change their situation.<\/p>\n
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When I first moved into my (now) spouse\u2019s house in 2001, she didn\u2019t want to include my name in our answering machine greeting. Because of our big age gap and same-sex relationship, she was justifiably anxious about how her parents would react to my having moved in; so she kept it from them for several months. Though I felt a great deal of compassion for her and her situation, I was also frustrated that her anxiety was affecting me\u2014and I didn\u2019t like acting as though we had something to be ashamed of.<\/p>\n
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Scenarios like this are common when someone in your life is struggling with anxiety. Your loved one may feel so fearful that they avoid taking action, or act in ways that are inconsiderate or that increase your own anxiety. This might look like a boyfriend constantly putting off important tasks or discussions, a friend complaining about being lonely but refusing to date, or a boss always focusing on what could go wrong, making everyone miserable. It\u2019s difficult to witness anxiety in someone you know, and it\u2019s even harder when their anxiety triggers yours.<\/p>\n
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But what can you do to help anxious people?<\/p>\n
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First you need to understand that anxiety is a human feature, not a flaw. Most of us get anxious from time to time, because it\u2019s a generally useful emotion that helps us to see potential threats, makes us concerned with social rejection, and keeps us on alert to being deceived. While being anxiety-prone might seem like a fault, it\u2019s actually helpful to have some people in a population who are more cautious and who frequently think about what could go wrong.<\/p>\n
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However, sometimes people get into patterns of coping with anxiety that cause it to snowball. They overthink (ruminating about the past or worrying about the future), avoid whatever triggers their anxiety, and use compensatory strategies\u2014like being extremely perfectionist to avoid feeling like an imposter at work\u2014that decrease their anxiety temporarily but increase it over the long-term. These coping strategies can also push people away\u2014people like you.<\/p>\n
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While it\u2019s upsetting and frustrating to see these folks suffer, there are things you can do to help. Here are some of the strategies I recommend based on my book, The Anxiety Toolkit.<\/p>\n
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Because of evolution, we\u2019re wired to respond to fear by either fight, flight, or freeze. For different people, one of these responses will typically dominate. For instance, my spouse tends to freeze and will bury her head in the sand rather than deal with things that make her feel stressed and panicky. I tend more toward fighting, and will become irritable, excessively perfectionistic, or dogmatic if I feel stressed. When you understand that anxiety is designed to put us into a mode of threat sensitivity, it\u2019s easier to understand someone who is feeling scared (or stressed) and acting out by being irritable or defensive, and to find compassion for them. By paying attention to how anxiety manifests in the person you care about, you can learn their patterns and be in a better position to help.<\/p>\n
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It\u2019s best to ask someone what type of support they prefer rather than guess! However, we know from research that people who have an avoidant attachment style (typically those who\u2019ve experienced rejecting caregiving or relationships in the past) are likely to respond best to strong displays of concrete practical support. That could include helping the anxious person break tasks down into manageable steps, or talking through specific options for how to deal with a difficult situation, like how to respond to an angry email, but still acknowledging their autonomy and independence while doing so.<\/p>\n
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Other people are more likely to prefer emotional support, especially those who are securely attached, or who have a \u201cpreoccupied\u201d attachment style due to a fear of being abandoned or of their emotions being overwhelming to others. Folks like this respond well to statements emphasizing that they\u2019re part of a tight team\u2014for example, their supporter saying, \u201cThis is tough but we love each other and we\u2019ll get through it together.\u201d Of course these are generalizations, and you need to tailor your support by observing what works in your particular situation. But when you have a very close relationship with someone, you can offer support based on intimately understanding your loved one\u2019s anxiety patterns.<\/p>\n
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If your loved one has insight into their anxiety, you can help them spot when their anxiety-driven patterns are occurring. I find it helpful when my spouse notices that I\u2019m expressing my anxiety about work by being irritable with her or by being too fussy. Because we know each other\u2019s patterns so well and have a trusting relationship, we can point out each other\u2019s habits. Not that this is always met with grace, but the message sinks in anyway.<\/p>\n
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If you\u2019re going to do this, it\u2019s a good idea to have their permission first. Keep in mind that people who have insight into their anxiety often still feel compelled to \u201cgive in\u201d to their anxious thoughts. For instance, a person with health anxiety might logically know that going to the doctor every week for multiple tests is unnecessary, but they can\u2019t help themselves. If your loved one lacks insight into their anxiety or has trouble managing compulsions, it\u2019s probably best to encourage them to see a clinical psychologist who specializes in the treatment of anxiety.<\/p>\n
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You\u2019ll be a more useful support person if you educate yourself about cognitive-behavioural models of anxiety, which you can do by reading or attending a therapy session with your loved one. But, in lieu of that, you might try using some techniques that can be helpful to people suffering from anxiety.<\/p>\n
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Typically, anxious people have a natural bias towards thinking about worst-case scenarios. To help them get some perspective on this, you can use a cognitive therapy technique where you ask them to consider three questions:<\/p>\n
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What\u2019s the worst that could happen?<\/p>\n
What\u2019s the best that could happen?<\/p>\n
What\u2019s most realistic or likely?<\/p>\n
So, if your loved one is anxious that they were supposed to hear from their parents hours ago but haven\u2019t, you can suggest they consider the worst, best, and most likely explanations for the lack of contact.<\/p>\n
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Take care not to overly reassure your loved one that their fears won\u2019t come to pass. It\u2019s more useful to emphasize their coping ability. For example, if they\u2019re worried about having a panic attack on a plane, you could say, \u201cThat would be extremely unpleasant and scary, but you\u2019d deal with it.\u201d And, if your loved one is feeling anxious that someone else is angry with them or disappointed in them, it\u2019s often useful to remind them that you can only ever choose your own actions and not completely control other people\u2019s responses.<\/p>\n
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Avoidance is a core feature of anxiety, so sometimes we may feel pulled to \u201chelp out\u201d by doing things for our avoidant loved ones and inadvertently feed their avoidance. For instance, if your anxious roommate finds making phone calls incredibly stressful and you end up doing this for them, they never push through their avoidance.<\/p>\n
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A good general principle to keep in mind is that support means helping someone to help themselves, not doing things for them, which includes virtually anything that stops short of actually doing it yourself. For example, you might offer to attend a first therapy session with your loved one if they set up the appointment. Or, if they\u2019re not sure how to choose a therapist, you might brainstorm ways of doing that, but let them choose.<\/p>\n
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An exception might be when someone\u2019s anxiety is accompanied by severe depression. If they can\u2019t get themselves out of bed, they may be so shut down that they temporarily need people to do whatever is needed to help them stay alive. Also, sometimes loved ones are so gripped by an anxiety disorder that they\u2019re in pure survival mode and need more hands-on help to get things done. In less extreme circumstances, however, it\u2019s best to offer support without taking over or overdoing the reassurance.<\/p>\n
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What can we do for folks with more serious issues? People experiencing things like panic disorder, depression mixed with anxiety, post-traumatic stress, or obsessional thinking (including thoughts related to eating disorders) may fear that they\u2019re literally going crazy. Helping them may feel beyond your ability.<\/p>\n
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You can still be supportive in many ways. When someone is experiencing significant anxiety, it\u2019s helpful to reassure them that your overall perception of them hasn\u2019t changed. They\u2019re still the same person; they\u2019re just suffering a temporary problem situation that has become out of control. They\u2019re not broken and who they are hasn\u2019t changed. To the extent possible, you can help the person stay connected to positive aspects of their identity by participating in or encouraging their interests and hobbies.<\/p>\n
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Sometimes, individuals who have chronic anxiety problems aren\u2019t interested in changing. For example, you might be friends with someone who has agoraphobia or an eating disorder, but their condition is long-term and stable. In these cases, you can be accepting of that person so that they don\u2019t feel isolated. Being matter-of-fact about their limitations without excessively shaming them or insisting they should pursue becoming \u201cnormal\u201d is often the best strategy.<\/p>\n
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Recognize that your goal is to help, not to cure the person or relieve them from their anxiety. Taking too much responsibility is actually a symptom of anxiety, so make sure you\u2019re not falling into that trap yourself.<\/p>\n
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Keep in mind that your support doesn\u2019t need to be directly focused on anxiety. For example, exercise is extremely helpful for anxiety; so perhaps you could simply offer to go for a walk or attend a yoga class together. It\u2019s also fine to put some limits on your support. A 20-minute de-stressing conversation while taking a walk is far more likely to be useful (and less exhausting) than a two-hour marathon discussion.<\/p>\n
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Helping someone with anxiety isn\u2019t always easy and you may feel like you\u2019re getting it wrong. But, if you remind yourself that you and your loved one are both doing your best, it can help you keep things in perspective. It\u2019s important to remain compassionate and, as the saying goes, to put on your own oxygen mask first. That way, you\u2019ll have a clearer head for figuring out what\u2019s going on with your anxious loved one and how you can truly be of help.<\/p>\n
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